Thursday, May 13, 2010

Honest thoughts on a rainy Thursday morning

It's 9:26.

I just got back from school, where I was scheduled to volunteer in Bethany's class (a slot I fill weekly). There was a schedule conflict that the teacher hadn't realized, so now I am back home. There were treats in the office for volunteer appreciation, so that was good. Two people told me to be sure to stop and get some as soon as I walked in the door. It is nice to be appreciated.

We will be back there tonight anyway, for the school picnic. Which I didn't volunteer for. I momentarily thought that maybe I should go see if they needed any help at the last minute. For the first time ever it's falling on a night when the kids don't have games or practices, so I could actually help. I decided not to.

It has been raining/cold/windy/cloudy in varying combinations for two weeks. I am feeling the pressure of commitments I have made that are not going as well as I would like because of circumstances beyond my control. Today my tears are blending in with the raindrops on the window panes.

I have the kind of problems most people would die for. SERIOUSLY. But tears are tears.

I wonder. Most of the time I wonder if I do enough. I have said no to many, many things. I hate it every time. But today I wonder if I have committed to doing too much. It has been eleven years since I have earned a paycheck. For the stress I am feeling, and the way that I know it limits what I have to offer my family, I wonder if I should at least be contributing to our finances if I can't be giving my energy to them. It gives me courage for the next round of "no"s at least. Which I will hate. Again.

Such is the life of a stay at home mom. My dream life. Oh, it truly is.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. " 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Now it is 9:46, and I wonder which fire I should put out with my little bit of extra time. I think I will tackle the clothes that have been sitting in the dryer overnight. They are wrinkled, but they are not beyond my control.


Melissa Mae said...

Love you! I know all our struggles are different, but mine are similar to yours right now. I could use some good (adult) conversation over an egg salad sandwich. Could you?

Tracy P. said...

Thanks, Melissa! I could, except that at the moment I don't dare add anything to my schedule! Hopefully soon.

Lindah said...

Tracy, thank you for reminding me of the 2Cor passage. I needed that tonight. I am at the phase in life where the "wasting away on the outside" is quite obvious. :-) But the stresses are there and I'm not quite sure why. Anyway, thank you. May God give you strength and wisdom to be all he wants you to be and the peace that only he can give.

Givinya De Elba said...

Thankyou for your post. I feel like this sometimes, particularly after I've felt free enough to say YES to something. A few items in my YES column can go awry at the same time, and I feel awful.

Why did I say Yes? Should I have said No? Should I try to get out of this?

I appreciated hearing that even Moms who are more experienced than I am still find it hard to strike a balance. I am sorry it's hard right now, but thankyou for sharing.

Love and Prayer, GdeE.

Joy said...

Tracy, Tracy, Tracy, Could you just sign my name to this post. Boy have I and do I ever feel these same emotions and have these same thoughts. I think, maybe I should find work and start trying to think when I could fit it in. I think I could if my hours were between 9:30 and 2:00 on Monday's only. haha. The pressure from the world that makes us feel like we aren't contributing if we aren't out there making a paycheck.
I too get bogged down with my yesses. Man, Does God really want us to live like this. Of course they are all worthwhile causes. I look at every charity that mails me something or calls me for a donation. I'm a sucker in that dept. too. Boy I could and would love to give to them all, but I know I can't. We just have to keep praying for discernment.
Because moth and rust are eating away at all these assets we are accumulating. But the souls of our children and those God places us around to serve will last forever.
Love your heart girl,
You have my # if you ever want to talk.
♥ Joy

Melissa B. said...

Trace...YOU? Don't do ENOUGH? My school would kill to have someone like you in the parent body. In fact, if you'd like to feel more appreciated, the door to Room 215 at Our Humble High School is always open. *hugs*

StitchinByTheLake said...

One of the pitfalls of a mother of young children is that the line between being over committed and under committed is so tiny that it's really not visible until you have crossed it, one way or another. We want to be Proverbs 31 women but truth be told, even those women get tired, or overwhelmed, or doubtful about their place in this world. Hang in there! blessings, marlene

Janette said...

Tracy, I read this post on my phone and couldn't comment when I read it, but it was almost exactly the way I felt that day, too. You put your feelings into words so eloquently. And I'm glad the sun came out!